When I looked behind me, I could see it. Twelve feet or so from what was now my bedroom stretched between the door - and me. A dozen steps, or very close to it. There was truth there.
It was a clear picture, and when I looked back I could see it all. The floor, the walls, and all the rooms spaced just so. It was as painless as the motion could ever be.
Looking back was never easy anymore, if only because it felt like most of what I was lay behind me. My absolute best friend, my absolute best love, my absolutle best moments. Did I have any of my bests left to give? Or was I just best at remembering now?
I looked at the door to my room again and my cheeks colored with guilt. Illyria and Wesley were trapped in there with a different kind of memeory, and it was all my doing. I had connected to Illyria downstairs, and because of that spark I might have done something rash. She was trapped in the memories too, caught in looking back. Only she didn't know what she was holding on to, or have enough of the peices to find comfort in what she was seeing. The best of Illyria would be found in the present and future tense. I was sure of it.
I didn't know how really. It was just there.
Just like I was still standing in a hallway by myself, looking back. Doing what I was best at again. I realized I wasn't sure where to go. This wasn't my home, so my body wouldn't mindlessly move itself to a place it could find comfort in. I didn't have a favorite chair, or a kitchen stool near some afternoon light, or a pet to curl up with. I was going to have to make a decision of where to go.
My room was out of the question, and the idea of just sitting in another empty one somehwhere depressed me. I took measured steps down to the lobby where I stood more a moment staring at the couches that were scattered about the room. Finally I looked through the side door to the garden that sat just outside them.
Yes. I could handle that.
I slipped through the doors quietly, and sat down on the low stone wall of the fountain. I looked back at where I had just come from for a long moment, then stopped and glanced at the water that danced in front of me.
Then I concentrated on not looking anywhere at all.
((open to Wesley))